In May of 2002, it will have been three years since the release of Star Wars, Episode I. The much anticipated prequel to the first three Star Wars movies was a disappointment to many, including the creator, George Lucas. Lucas's original plan was for Episode I to be titled 'The Phantom Bong Hit' and for it to essentially document a two-hour rave attended by Lucas and many of his friends from his film career. One month before the release of the film, Fox convinced Lucas to abandon this documentary, on which he had been hard at work for two years. In three weeks, he wrote, cast, filmed and edited the version known as 'The Phantom Menace'.
Many view the inclusion of Jar Jar Binks to be one of the most fatal mistakes in The Phantom Menace, but Lucas does not agree. during the filming of Episode 2, he was asked about whether it was an error to include Binks. He responded, "I am God. If I choose to include a goofy, animated sidekick, then you will accept it. Or you will burn in the fires of Hell."
In Episode 2, Lucas decided he wanted to bring back some of the atmosphere from the original three movies. Specifically, he decided that it was important to cast the original trio that brought the Star Wars movies to life. Furthermore, Lucas wanted to break from the direction set by the Phantom Menace, and return to the attitude that would have been presented by the Phantom Bong Hit. With a film crew, and some of his close associates, Lucas set out to locate Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, and Mark Hamill.
The following are descriptions of some of the scenes from the three and a half hour epic, Star Wars: Is Mark Hamill Dead or Something?
***
Several people are riding in a Winnebago. Harrison Ford is driving. A diminutive man is sitting next to him, examining a map, and speaking in slurred french. George Lucas is in the back of the RV, sitting at the table. John Williams is also sitting at the table making marks on some music paper.
LUCAS [to the camera]: Harrison was easy to cast. I called him up, and asked him what he wanted. He said, 'all the cheap wine I can drink and a French midget to be my assistant. And I get to kiss Carrie full on the lips in front of Mark in every scene that has all three of us.' Done deal.
WILLIAMS: Hey George, try listening to this new tune. Tell me what--
LUCAS: John, I told you. Don't change it. I'm not Stephen. I want the same goddam fanfare you came up with twenty years ago.
LUCAS [to the camera]: We're on our way to talk to Carrie. I called her up, and she said the project sounds interesting, but she wants to talk to me face-to-face before she signs on.
***
The winnebago has broken down in the middle of the desert. Harrison Ford is bustling about with a pipe wrench, intermittently whacking different parts of the RV. George is making a call on a satelite phone.
LUCAS: It's George. Our Winnebago is broken down. I need you to pick us up and have us and the Winnebago in San Francisco by noon today. ... It's, uh, 2:30 in the morning. ... Hmm? ... I dunno. Utah, Nevada, Arizona, probably one of those. ... I don't give a shit. Who is this? ... All right, Lorenzo, here's the deal: you get this done or you lose your job. Furthermore, I'll have you and your whole family sent back to Mexico. ... I don't care if you ARE a Vice President at ILM. It's Industrial Light and MAGIC. So make some Goddam magic happen.
George hangs up the phone and chucks it into the desert.
LUCAS: Harrison, what the hell are you doing? You don't know how to fix this.
FORD: I'm getting into character.
LUCAS: What character? Han Solo? Solo couldn't fix a torn piece of paper with some tape and detailed directions.
WILLIAMS: Yes he could. He fixed the Millenium Whatsit in those movies. Star something.
LUCAS: Shut up, John.
FORD: Han Solo HAD to have been a great mechanic to keep the Millenium Falcon flying.
LUCAS: That's why he had Chewbaca. Solo was a great pilot, but he had absolutely no technical expertise. The main reason the ship was always broken was because he never fixed it right.
FORD: That's such a crock! What about in Return of the Jedi when the rebels were trying to get into the bunker on Endor. Solo hacked the computer to open the doors.
WILLIAMS: I liked the Ewoks.
LUCAS and FORD: Shut up, John!
LUCAS: Harrison, in Return of the Jedi, Solo had to call in R2D2 to try and open them. Eventually, Chewbacca came in and bailed him out, like usual, OK? You were on so much cocaine while we were filming that movie that you can't remember a damned thing. Anyway, I don't care. Do what you want. The RV already doesn't work, so you can't make anything worse. I'm going to take a nap.
George storms onto the Winnebago.
FORD: Shit. Phillipe, bring me some wine.
PHILLIPE: Oui, monsieur.
***
People are scattered about Carrie Fisher's living room, all of them are unconscious. George Lucas is on the couch with Carrie. They have fallen asleep while leaning on one another. George is drooling in her hair. John Williams's feet can be seen protruding from under the coffee table. Harrison Ford and Phillipe are asleep on the floor. Both are snoring.
Steven Spielberg walks into the room. He is wearing a dirty terrycloth bathrobe open over a wife-beater and boxer shorts, and he's carrying a glass with a raw egg and vodka in it. He walks over to the glass doors along one wall and twitches the curtains aside, filling the room with light.
George snorts and wakes up.
LUCAS: Jesus fuck.
George lifts Carrie off himself, and stands up from the couch.
LUCAS: What time is it?
SPIELBERG: Noon.
LUCAS: We're getting too old for this.
SPIELBERG: Tell me about it. I remember the wild time I had making Close Encounters. Man, we used every drug on the market while shooting that film. And it was a masterpiece. It's a modern classic, and not because of studio hype, either. It's a good film!
Steven takes a drink.
SPIELBERG: I tried to do the same thing with AI. Did you see it?
LUCAS: It was a cinematic masterpiece.
SPIELBERG: Don't kiss my ass, George. I pay plenty of people good money to kiss my ass, I don't need you doing it. The movie was drek. It was terrible. I shouldn't have made it, and I definiteley shouldn't have dropped acid before filming most of it. And poor Haley Joel. I accidentally slipped something into his food one evening. Every once in a while for the rest of his life, he's going to wake up and think he's a robot.
The two stand in silence for some time, both looking out the window.
SPIELBERG: I think we need to face the facts, George. The Seventies are over.
***
George is walking down a street. He is flanked by Harrison and Carrie, who are dressed in Victorian garb. George addresses the camera.
LUCAS: I've tried to contact Mark Hamill's agency on multiple occasions. Each time, I've been informed that he refuses to work on any project that involves me. Which is unacceptable. I've asked Harrison and Carrie to speak to Mark's agency incognito.
The camera follows Harrison and Carrie into the lobby of an acting agency. Harrison walks up to the receptionist and addresses her.
FORD: Good day, madam.
Harrison is speaking in an English accent, and he bows to the woman.
FORD: I am looking to retain the services of one Mark Hamill, an actor of the moving pictures whom your company represents. He is a fine actor of many talents, and I have been charged to retain his services at any cost. At ANY cost.
Harrison pulls a five dollar bill from his pocket and places it on the receptionist's desk.
RECEPTIONIST: I see. Our company does represent Mr. Hamill. If you like, I can put you in touch with the agent who coordinates Mr. Hamill's work.
FORD: Actually, I would like to be put in contact with Mr. Hamill, himself, if you would be so kind. Perhaps you could tell me his telephone number. Or his current residence would be splendid.
RECEPTIONIST: I'm sorry, but we don't give out personal information about our clients. If you would like to leave some contact information, I can pass it on to Mr. Hamill's agent, who will get in touch with you about Mr. Hamill's availability.
The receptionist takes out a piece of paper and starts to reach for a pen. Carrie slaps the receptionists wrist with a fan she is holding, then reaches across the desk and pulls the receptionist out of her chair by her collar.
FISHER: Listen, you hussie. I've tried to have some patience, but I'm sick of listening to Harrison's goddam fake accent. He's been using it all day, and it's giving me a headache. And this corset I'm wearing is starting to suffocate me. So I want Mark Hamill's address, and I want it now!
Carrie throws the woman back into her chair. A guard comes into the room and approaches Carrie. She kicks him hard in the groin. The guard doubles over, and Carrie elbows him across the back of the neck. The man falls to the ground.
RECEPTIONIST: I... I don't know his address. Let me try and find someone who has it.
The receptionist starts to get out of her chair.
FISHER: SIT DOWN!! You little bitch! Do you know who I am?! I'm Princess Leia!
FORD: Woah. Hey, calm down Carrie.
Carrie turns to Harrison.
FISHER: Shut up! Shut up you goddam two-bit hack! Fuck it! I Hate this stupid business! I hate this stupid career! I hate this stupid costume!
Carrie starts to fight to strip out of her costume while she storms out of the building. Harrison stands in silence for a few moments, then turns back to the receptionist.
FORD: Sorry about that. It's a stressful business... So. I don't suppose you'll give me Mark Hamill's address?
RECEPTIONIST: I'm calling the police.
FORD: Right. I'll leave.
Harrison walks out, picking up Carrie's discarded costume as he goes.
***
George is talking to the camera. Behind him can be seen Carrie, who's sitting on a bed crying. John Williams and Steven Spielberg are comforting her.
LUCAS: I think she's just tired. We didn't have to deal with this much on the set of Episodes four through six, but, y'know, she'd have... woman problems sometimes. It's really best not to fight it. She'll be okay in a little bit.
LUCAS: Anyway, the excursion to Mark's agency obviously didn't go too well. The charges will be dropped. Goes to show how well a couple million dollars can oil the US Justice system. Oh, shit. I'll have to edit that before we go to print. Needless to say, we won't be able-- hey Harrison, don't go in there.
George has moved to stop Harrison who is trying to get in to see Carrie. Harrison pushes past George and approaches Carrie. She jumps up and starts punching him. The others work to pull the two apart. Harrison is forced out of the room, and the door is slammed shut. Carrie can be heard screaming inside the room.
FORD: Geez. I just wanted to see how she was doing. Hey, Phillipe, wanna go out for some wine?
Phillipe walks up to Harrison.
Phillipe: Non, monsiuer. You are a thoughtless peeg. I weel serve you wahn no longerr. Now I go to offerr mah serveeces to Madam Fisher, she ees more deserving than hyoo weel evair be.
Phillippe enters the room with the others, and slams the door behind him. Harrison addresses someone off-camera, presumably the cameraman.
FORD: You, uh, you wanna go get drunk?
There's no reply.
FORD: Okay. Well, I guess I'll just head off by myself, then.
Harrison walks out of the room.
***
George is riding in a car. A phone rings and he answers it on speakerphone.
LUCAS: Speak.
PHONE: Hey, George, this is Bernie with Legal.
LUCAS: Oh, good. Have you taken care of that web site I told you about?
PHONE: What? Oh, the fan site. It turns out it's just a kid. I talked to his parents, and he's only thirteen years old--
LUCAS: That doesn't matter. He's writing fan fiction that directly contradicts the Star Wars storyline.
PHONE: But it's just a kid. The counter on his web site was somewhere around fifty, and I KNOW that about thirty of those hits were us in legal. Noone is looking at his page. Noone is going to be confused by it.
LUCAS: Dammit! I created the Star Wars Universe! ME! Nothing happens in that Universe unless I say so! I am a GOD there. I am THE God there! Deep in his heart when Luke Skywalker is praying that the force is still with him, he's praying to ME!!
PHONE: ...
LUCAS: Are you listening?! Do you hear me?!
PHONE: yeah. Uh, yeah.
LUCAS: Well?!
PHONE: We'll, um, get on it. I'll make sure the site gets shut down.
LUCAS: Have the kid deported to Russia, too.
PHONE: But... yessir. I'll take care of that.
LUCAS: Is there anything else?
PHONE: Uh, yes. We were just contacted by Mark Hamill's lawyer. He's... um. He's filed a restraining order against you.
LUCAS: Really? Do you have the paperwork on that?
PHONE: Right in front of me, sir.
LUCAS: Does it list Mark's address?
PHONE: What? Why?
LUCAS: I need to talk to Mark. I need his address.
PHONE: Sir, the restraining order forbids you to come within five miles of Mr. Hamill, or to contact him in any way.
LUCAS: Whatever. Listen, you have a new priority. Find out where Mark Hamill is. Use the whole legal department.
PHONE: I don't think--
LUCAS: Good. Listen, Bernie, you do good work, but you're not irreplaceable. And don't you even think about a lawsuit. You may be a good lawyer, but I can hire a better judge. Get back to me as soon as you have Hamill's address.
George hangs up the phone. He addresses the driver.
LUCAS: Take me to the airport. The others should already be waiting.
***
A number of people are lined up outside a plane on an airport tarmac. The line includes Harrison, Carrie, John WIlliams, Phillippe, Stephen Spielberg and James Earl Jones. All are wearing black military fatigues. George is pacing up and down in front of the line.
LUCAS: Gentlemen and Carrie, We are about to embark on a mission of the utmost importance. The success of this film hinges on the outcome of this mission. We MUST find Mark Hamill and bring him back to the Ranch.
LUCAS: In a moment, we will board this plane, and fly into Northern California, where it is suspected that Hamill is vacationing. Right now my legal department is in contact with the United States government. We will be receiving satelite photographs of the resort where Hamill is staying, as well as detailed floor plans and security information. I will take this opportunity to remind you that Hamill is to be taken alive.
FORD [under his breath]: Yeah, right.
LUCAS: What was that Harrison?
FORD: Nothing.
LUCAS: Are you sure? If you have a problem, we can leave you here by yourself.
FORD: I don't have a problem.
LUCAS: Good. Are there any questions.
James raises his hand.
LUCAS: Yes?
JONES: Will we get to drive fast and wrecklessly?
LUCAS: Most likely. I have procured a number of Humvees.
JONES: And will there be helicopters? I like helicopters.
LUCAS: There will be some in the area, should the need arise.
JONES [aside to SPIELBERG]: I hope it does. I like riding in helicopters.
LUCAS: Good, now--
George is interrupted as one of the men who have been working on the plane in the background approaches the group.
MAINTENANCE GUY: Hey, you're George Lucas!
LUCAS: Uh, yeah.
MAITNENANCE GUY: Wow, cool. I love Star Wars.
LUCAS: Good. Um, always nice to, uh, meet a fan.
MAITENANCE GUY: Hey, I got a question. You know that Christmas thing? ...
CARRIE: Uh-oh.
George suddenly moves towards the fan, grabbing his shoulder.
LUCAS: THAT! NEVER! HAPPENED!!
George punctuates each word with a punch to the fan's stomach. George then throws the fan to the ground and starts kicking him. The rest of the group watches awkwardly. After a few minutes, George stops, out of breath. Stephen approaches him and puts his arm around George's shoulder.
SPIELBERG: Ok, George. Let's go get on the plane.
***
George and his group are lined up along the walls of a hotel corridor. They have all donned black ski masks. One, standing next to a door, makes elaborate military-style hand gestures. He inserts a keycard into the slot for the door.
LUCAS: MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!!
The group bursts through the door into the hotel room. They swing tranquilizer guns with flashlights attached wildly about as they move into the dark hotel room. A light clicks on next to a bed revealing Mark Hamill sleeping next to a woman.
HAMILL: Ahh! Jesus Christ!
LUCAS: There he is! Get him!
Mark leaps out of his bed, and the wall behind the bed is peppered with red-plumed tranquilizer darts. Mark runs through a door leading out onto a patio. He jumps over a railing and starts to run away from the building. The attackers follow him out of the room.
LUCAS [into a radio]: He's on the move. Red one and gold one, begin pursuit! Red two and Gold two, pick us up!
As he says this, two humvees and two helicopters come roaring around the building. One of each moves off after Mark, while the other two stop to pick up George and his companions. George climbs into the helicopter and immediately shouts for the pilot to lift off. James Earl Jones slips as the copter lifts off and is left hanging from the landing skid until Stephen pulls him up.
LUCAS [talking to the pilot]: As soon as you spot him, take us in for the shot.
The helicopter quickly overcomes Hamill, who is being harrassed by the other two vehicles. George's helicopter makes a low approach, and George shoots Mark with a tranquilizer dart. Mark falls to the ground. The team quickly lifts Mark's unconscious body into one of the helicopters and all four units move off into the night.
***
Mark Hamill awkes to find himself on a cold, hard floor. He stirs and sits up. Suddenly, lights come on, revealing Mark to be in the middle of an immense room. A giant curved wall that is at least the size of a football field is covered with video displays. Opposite the wall are several tiers of people working at computer terminals.
Mark looks up to see George on a small platform, which also has several computer monitors and control panels. It is suspended from the ceiling by a crane system that apparently allows it to move anywhere in the room. The platform is lowered to the floor, and George steps off next to Mark.
LUCAS: Are you all right? Would you like some water?
HAMILL: You kidnapped me! You sick, perverted nutcase! You kidnapped me!!
George sighs.
LUCAS: I know. I'm sorry, but I have a good reason.
HAMILL: I don't want to work for you on your stupid, adolescent fantasies.
George turns away from Mark and faces the video wall. He gestures at the wall, which is displaying an intricate diagram that resembles an immense spider web.
LUCAS: That's the entire Star Wars universe right there. Every movie made. Every book written. Every video game released. Every web page. Every comic. Every character, setting and plot. It's all there. Not only everything that's BEEN released, but everything that's going to be released for the next two hundred years. And that's just the beginning. It's all tracked on that wall. You are witnessing a sight that priveleged few even know exists, Mark.
LUCAS: Look at the size of it, Mark. I want you to understand how big this thing is. It has momentum. I want you to see how big it is, because I want you to understand that this universe is so much bigger than any one man.
HAMILL: You're really sick, George, you know that?
LUCAS: SILENCE!! You don't have a choice, Mark. I didn't bring you here to ask you to participate. You made that decision almost twenty-five years ago. Way down on the left side of that wall, the story begins. And it stems from a grouping of three people. It stems from you, Carrie and Harrison, Mark. Not the three best choices, perhaps. Certaily not the greatest performers of your time, but that doesn't matter. Because under my care, I took the best work of your lives and turned it into something remarkable.
LUCAS: Unfortunately, it's not yet complete. There is still much more to be done. But in the end, I need the three of you again. In 2973, LucasFilm, which will be an interplanetary entertainment powerhouse, will begin leaking rumors about a final trilogy of movies, or whatever passes for movies at the time, starring the original trio! Imagine that, Mark. A revisitation of the pivotal role in your career an entire millenium after the first Star Wars movies were released.
LUCAS: And that's why I need you.
HAMILL: To film the movie now?
LUCAS: Goodness, no. It's much too soon to film. I have some ideas about the medium that will be in use, but to be honest, even I can't forsee what technologies will be prevalent one thousand years from now. No, Mark, I need to put you, Harrison and Carrie into cryogenic storage. And the sooner the better.
Mark stares at George in apparent horror. Suddenly he jumps onto George's mobile platform and throws a lever. He is lifted quickly away from the ground. George leaps after mark, and catches hold of the edge of the platform. He dangles from the side as he is lifted high into the air.
LUCAS: Come, Mark. This will be a stunning coup for your career. Join me. Join me in this great adventure.
HAMILL: I'll never join you!
LUCAS: Good! Good! You still have it, Mark. You can still play the part so well. Now, set us down, and we'll go discuss the terms of your contract. I'm not an ureasonable man, Mark. I'll give you a very favorable contract.
HAMILL: You're really twisted, George.
Mark looks at George as though considering something. Then he moves to kick George off the edge.
LUCAS: No! Wait! Down that path lies the dark side, Mark. You must stay true to your good instincts, Mark.
HAMILL: You sick fuck.
Mark kicks at Georges hands, and George lets go. He falls to the ground and lies still. Mark picks up a handset on the platform and starts to dial.
***
Harrison and Carrie are sitting in a parking lot with Phillippe. They are watching a scene filled with police cars and ambulances.
FISHER: I talked with a paramedic, and he said that George will be OK. He broke an arm and a leg, but that's all.
FORD: Hmph. I talked with a police officer, and HE said not to expect episode three anytime soon. I guess George will probably be locked away for quite a while.
FISHER: Can you believe that George was actually planning to freeze us for a thousand years?
FORD: Oh, yeah. He told me all about it.
FISHER: What?!
FORD: Actually he told me about it back in '85. I thought it was a good idea, really. I mean, aside from George's plan, I had a special bank account set aside. Do you realize how much money I'd have after a thousand years of interest.
FISHER: Really, Harrison. You're just as bad as George is.
FORD: I'll take that as a compliment.
FISHER: Well, I'd better be going. It was ... well, it wasn't terrible to see you again, Harrison.
FORD: Oh, yeah? You wanna go get a drink.
FISHER: Don't you have a movie to go do or something?
FORD: My agent tells me I'mm too old to play a dashing thirty-five year old hero anymore.
FISHER: Phillippe, make sure he gets home ok.
Carrie walks off. Harrison sits quietly for some time next to Phillippe. Then he starts to hum the Star Wars theme.
FORD: Bum bum ba daa daaaaa da da da daaaaaa daaa da da da daaaaaa daaaa da du da daaaa
The shot fades as Harrison continues to hum. The credits roll.
END
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