I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. -- _A Bit of Fry and Laurie_ A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating. -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960 Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them." With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw. It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it---and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens, American Writer, 1835-1910) The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. -- From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net. Courteous Postal Workers: A. Always have stamps on hand. B. Are kind, courteous, and patient with customers. C. Save the last bullet for themselves. Half of the people in the world are below average. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate Life in a vacuum sucks. I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_ No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man. -- Heraclitas These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it. -- Charles Barkley On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp Confucius say too much. -- Recent Chinese proverb Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, _The Devil's Dictionary_ I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless in has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way. And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?" In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -- David Letterman Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while. -- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating" G M: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children? S: Yes, thirteen. G M: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden? S: Well, I love my husband. G M: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while. -- Groucho Marx, on _You Bet Your Life_ The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967 A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front? On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award." I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable. -- Ogden Nash When I was in high school, my friends would lay anything that moved. I choose not to limit myself. I prefer my lovers to be female, human, and breathing, but I'll take any two out of three in a pinch. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides." Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac On a sidewalk near Portland State University someone wrote `Trust Jesus', and someone else wrote `But Cut the Cards'. Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4 The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. -- Plutarch From alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die: Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both purple, or would be if someone had the good sense to wrap some piano wire around Rush's neck. It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes. Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?" Then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up." -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz] Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz] Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered. -- Woody Allen The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work. -- Clive Barker, "Jihad" The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -- William Clayton I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge. -- Voltaire Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. -- Woody Allen, on the KKK Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. -- P.J. O'Rourke When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in _Life In Hell_ by Matt Groening No one is more carnal than a recent virgin. -- John Steinbeck "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to change it and one to not change it. Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students? A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once. The Facts of Life Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
This cite has been accessed times since December 4, 1997. This page was last revised November 29, 1996. Back to my home page.
This page was last revised November 29, 1996.
Back to my home page.