From: cam@swbatl.UUCP (5415) Subject: Kibology PseudoScience (was: Too Smurf for comfort) C'mon, RANT! RANT LIKE YOUR VERY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT, AS IT MAY VERY WELL! FREE-WHEELIN', SQUIRTIN' 'N OOZIN' GUT BLOWOUT!!!!! PUT SOME HIGH-OCTANE SUPER-LITERACY INTO THAT WIMP-DICK LITTLE WORKSTATION OF YOURS AND GET DOWN TO IT!!!! YOU THINK THIS IS SOME KINDA SUNDAY SCHOOL SING-ALONG? YOU WANNA BE A TOO-EARLY POTTY-TRAINED FASTIDIOUS WANNABE-BOBBIE-B'ZARRO? OF FUCKING COURSE NOT! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! MY LEGS ARE ON FIRE! HOLD ON TO ME, I'M LEVITATING! I SET OFF FOURTEEN-HOUR ORGASMS IN OVER TWELVE HUNDRED SPECIES IN A THIRTY KILOMETER RADIUS WHEN I OPEN A CAN OF TUNA! MY LEFT BRAIN IS PLUGGED INTO THE INTERNET; MY RIGHT-BRAIN IS A GODZILLION GIGABYTE OPTICAL ARCHIVE OF EVERY CARTOON EVER PRODUCED AND YET TO BE IN THE FUTURE! I SURVIVE ON A DIET OF DIOXIN AND COCOA-PUFFS, AND WASH IT DOWN WITH CLOROX 'N TEQUILA! I LIKE MY WOMEN TWELVE AT A TIME, AND WHEN I GET THRU THEY GET BACK IN LINE! RATTLESNAKES SEE ME COMIN', THEY SHED THEIR SKINS, LUBRICATE 'EM, AND ROLL 'EM UP - AND LEAVE THE RATTLES FOR EXTRA STIMULATION! I TOOK THE MAIL-ORDER KIBOLOGY PACKAGE KIBO *DIDN'T* SEND ME, EXTRAPOLATED THE GOOD PARTS INTO A SCIENCE, AND USED THE TECHNOLOGY TO BLOW THE PUBLIC ACCESS WORKSTATION LAB OFF THE FACE OF NORTH AMERIKA! HELL, I GOT WOMEN FLOCKING IN DROVES FROM NEW YORK/BOSTON/BERKELEY WEARIN' LSD-SOAKED EDIBLE PANTIES 'N BEARING GIFTS OF SUPERCOMPUTERS AND DIRTY PAMPHLETS! THE MUTANT HORDES I SIRE FROM THESE TECHNO SHE-BITCHES ARE HOLED UP IN THE VALLEY OF LIGHT IN NORTHWESTERN ARKANSAS, WAITIN' FOR JUDGEMENT DAY OR A GOOD $1 CIGAR! I DRIVE A STEAMROLLER TO WORK; I FUEL MY ELEVATOR WITH HYDRAZINE AND LOX! MY DESK IS A FOURTH DIMENSIONAL TIME-SPACE CONTINUUM EXTENDING TO THE END OF THE UNIVERSE, AND I STILL DON'T PUNCH A TIME CLOCK! YUPPIE NEW-AGE FANATICS FROM THE YEAR 2475 ARE CHANNELLING *ME* FOR ADVICE IN LOVE, SALES, AND GOOD SEX! WHEN I FART IN THE WINTER, SKATERS FALL THRU THE FLASH-MELTED ICE! DON'T BELIEVE ME; MY WORDS ARE ALL LIES, AND ARE THE BASIS FOR ALL KNOWN MYTHOLOGIES AND PORNOGRAPHY VIGNETTES! I EAT RAZOR BLADES FOR DESSERT, AND SHIT TITANIUM RIBBONS FOR THIRD-WORLD SPACE PROJECTS! CLIVE BARKER AND STEVEN KING BROKE DOWN AN' STARTED CRYIN' AND SINGIN' NURSERY RHYMES WHEN THEY GOT A LOAD OF MY EEG'S! I STARCH MY UNDERWEAR WITH SUPERGLUE AND GROUND GLASS PARTICLES! I TWIDDLE MY TOES IN MOLTEN MAGMA AND WIGGLE MY EARS IN THE VAN ALLEN BELT! I BEAT THE HYDRA IN A STARING MATCH AND USED HER HAIR FOR FISH BAIT! I CAUGHT GODZILLA IN ONE CAST, AND THREW HIM BACK TO GO GET HIS BIG BROTHER! ...whew....