My Opinions

Someone at work brought in a tabloid magazine recently, so we could laugh at the stupidity contained therein. One of the articles described the "newest in extreme sports": skydiving without a parachute! I looked it up, and found an abridged version of the article here. One quote for an example (for those of you too lazy to click): "If you hit it right, you can usually land with only some broken bones and maybe a few lacerations or puncture wounds."

I came up with a theory about this article and others like it -- The writers of these articles are obviously smart enough to know they aren't true, and write the articles so that stupider people believe that they are true. My opinion: This is a plan to rid the world of (at least some of) its idiots. Those smart enough to know it's fake won't try it, and many of the stupid ones WILL attempt this, and Mrs. Natural Selection will be happy! If all goes well then, with the help of tabloid writers, we normals may no longer have to deal with hillbillies like these:

Note: If you, the reader, actually happen to be one of these people,
I know that you're probably not that stupid, but you have to agree
that you do look a hell of a lot like a hillbilly.

Most Mystery book/movie villians are caught only because of a single slip-up. Why doesn't someone just do exactly the same things they did, except without that one mistake? Why have I not heard anybody else say this before?

Captain Obvious

Maybe lots of people have thought of this before, and carried out that plan, and that's why so many crimes go unsolved. There should be someone in the CIA whose job is just to read all of these fictional books about crime, in case someone tries something like one of them.

Many of you have heard of and/or seen this proof before:

Girls = Evil

But not many of you have seen the expanded version, co-created by Jeff T. and myself.

You see, this proof relies on the premise that girls require both time and money. If we replace "Girls" with arbitrary variable "x," It will lead to the fact that x = Evil. The revised first premise now reads: x = TimeXMoney. Therefore, we can conclude that everything that requires both Time and Money is evil. But there's more...

Since we are taking into account the fact that Time = Money, the phrase "x = TimeXMoney" can be easily replaced with either "x = Time2" or "x = Money2." Now it follows that anything that requires either Time OR Money is inherently evil.

This equasion can also be worked backwards. If you can think of anything that is inherently evil, this proof guarantees that it must require time and/or money.

If you're wondering what we have found about the negative quantities of these, contact me and I will be glad to explain them to you.

The Starbucks Corporation is completely and totally unnececssary. I'm not going to mention the fact that it requires immense amounts of both time and money, which may lead you to logically conclude something not nice if you take the aforementioned proof into consideration.

As I was listening to the comedystylings of Lewis Black one day, I heard him mention that he had located the End of the World, and it is in Houston, Texas. While he was there, Mr. Black saw a Starbucks across the street from a STARBUCKS! WHO NEEDS THAT MUCH COFFEE?! Not only did they all but take over the middle-to-upper class coffee industry, but they did so at a whopping price. Thank God for Dunkin Donuts.

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