This page is not finished yet (obviously, the 3rd movie isn't even out until December 17th),
So don't expect to see the entire trilogy translated out here until after that,
but at least I got The Two Towers done before the release of The Return of the King.

Note: some things here are in the books and not the movies,
Some are in the movies and not the books, and
I may or may not have made up portions of it myself, as well.

I am always open to suggestions/comments/additions/corrections.
Contact info is on my homepage.

The Lord of the Rings
Written all in haiku by:
J.T. and A.L.

(Jeff Tompkins has stopped.
Andy continues the work
Since it's his website.)

----------------------


Credit: www.theonion.com

Okay, so part 2
Came out a whole year later.
It's The Two Towers.

Starts with a recap,
Gandalf and the big Balrog.
Gandalf still falls down.

But now there's a fight!
Gandalf battles the Balrog
As they fall to dark.



Cue the title screen.
Frodo and Sam are alone.
They split, remember?

Lembas bread is good,
Keeps energy very high.
Doesn't taste bad, too.

Ooh, look! It's Gollum!
He wants his "precious" (the Ring)
And will fight for it.

Elven rope burns him,
Ring corrupted his goodness.
Offers to be guide.

Sam doesn't trust him,
But Frodo takes the rope off.
Was this a good choice?



Other fellowship
Members have caught the orcs' trail.
Merry, Pippin found!

Three days of pursuit
With no food, no rest, no trail,
And yet they keep on.

They find a trinket;
Not idly do these fall, the
Leaves of Lorien.

Gimli ran too much.
Dwarves are very dangerous
In short distances.

The orcs move hobbits
Northeast, towards Isengard,
Where Saruman is.

Two towers combined,
They become Captain Planet!
Wait, sorry, wrong show.



They'll rule Middle-Earth
Together, Saruman and
Sauron, his leader.

Theodred lies down.
He had been ambushed by orcs.
Grima Wormtongue sucks.

After much running,
Orcs need to take a breather.
They start up a fire.

Some of them want meat.
Others say that the hobbits
Are not for eating.

They fight over this.
That created confusion,
So the captives ran.

Rohirrim arrive!
They wipe out the whole orc troop.
Then they meet our friends.



All weapons are drawn.
Paranoia runs quite high
In the Riddermark.

"Where are the hobbits?"
Eomer sadly says that
They left none alive.

He gives two horses
To help them find their short friends,
But warns agains hope.

Pile of burnt corpses
Includes an elven-made belt.
Hobbits up in smoke?

No, there are footprints!
Aragorn's good at tracking,
recreates the scene.

The hobbits had fled
And escaped into Fangorn.
Gah! This tree has eyes!



The ent Treebeard says
That the halflings are small orcs.
This is a bad thing.

Change scene to Gollum
Leading Frodo and Sam to
The gates of Mordor.

Must go through swamp first.
The Dead Marshes, with faces
That will drag you down.

Frodo is sucked in,
But then Gollum pulls him up.
Maybe he's not bad?



Ringwraiths overhead!
They fly on their dark horses.
Everybody hide!

Aragorn, Gimli,
And Legolas go farther
Into the forest.

There's the white wizard,
Everybody attack him!
But no, it's Gandalf!

He comes back to them
Now, at the turn of the tide,
Summons Shadowfax.

Gollum finds Black Gate.
Frodo and Sam hide from orcs
Under Frodo's cloak.



They start to go in,
But Smeagol tells them not to.
There's another way.

Against Sam's advice,
Frodo asks Smeagol to lead
What is there? ...Spider?

Edoras is reached
By man, elf, dwarf, and wizard.
Theoden is weak.

His mind is poisoned
By Saruman's assistant,
One Grima Wormtongue.

They must break through guards
So that Gandalf can cure him.
Legolas -- ninja?

He is exorcized,
And retuned to his old self.
Hail Theoden, king!



At Theodred's death,
He said, "No parent should have
To bury their child."

So, what to do now?
Open war is upon them.
They flee to Helm's Deep.

Gandalf rides away
After giving some advice
Unto Aragorn.

Frodo is getting
A bit territorial.
The Ring is gnawing.

Smeagol-slash-Gollum
Begins talking to himself.
He's schizophrenic!



Gollum = Bad.
Smeagol = Good. Smeagol
Gets rid of Gollum.

Smeagol finds rabbits,
But Sam cooks and ruins them.
He'd prefer taters.

Frodo hears a sound.
Sauron gathers his armies.
"It's an Oliphaunt!"

Armies are ambushed
by troops led by Faramir.
Hobbits don't see "friend."

Aragorn dreams of
His lover, Arwen the elf.
They speak in Elvish.



He remembers when
He had her go with elves to
The Undying Lands.

They're under attack!
Legolas makes a sick move
To get on that horse!

They win the fight, but
Aragorn takes a tumble
into the river. :-(

All those who survived
Get to Helm's Deep. Eowyn
hears the bad news here.

Meanwhile, Saruman
Rallies his tens of thousands
Into a frenzy.



Smoke from Isengard
is seen from Fangorn Forest
By Treebeard the Ent.

Aragorn is helped
Once again by Arwen's kiss.
She calls on Valar.

She's chosen to stay,
But Elrond changes that, says
She'll just be depressed.

Galadriel speaks
To Elrond of heavy things
Through telepathy.

Faramir is grim.
He realizes Sauron
Will defeat the men.



Frodo learns just now
That Boromir (brother of
Faramir) is dead.

The men catch Smeagol
And find out Frodo's secret.
Will he steal the Ring?

Aragorn returns
To the people who need him,
Bringing sad info.

Helm's Deep must stand strong
Against a host of orcs that's
Ten thousand at least.

And with three hundred
Legolas sees no hope here.
Men agree with him.

Elves are helping! w00t!
The uruk-hai are coming.
The suspense is thick.



"Show them no mercy,
for you will not receive any."
"Roar groan growl warcry."

And so it begins.
"Their armor is weak at the neck
And below the arm."

Volleys of arrows
Are released into the horde.
Uruk-hai persist.

Gimli kills his first.
This will be one of many
To fall to his axe.

Legolas has killed more.
Gimli, competitive, thwacks
An orc in the crotch!



Meanwhile, in Fangorn,
The ents are taking their time.
Merry gets angry.

Gimli's counting up.
He's at twenty, on a roll.
The orcs charge a gate.

Then they make a gate
With Saruman's gunpowder.
Explosion is huge!

Legolas, so cool,
Slides down the steps on his shield,
Killing on the fly!

"Pull back to the Keep!"
Haldir, elven general,
Is slain in retreat.



The gate door is breached,
And Theoden's chest is stabbed.
Aragorn helps him.

He and Gimli flank
The uruk-hai from the side.
Gimli must be tossed.

There are so many.
The castle wall has been breached,
So more retreating.

Pippin turns Treebeard
To the south, to Saruman.
Feels nice, like downhill.

But what's seen feels bad,
Like a wizard's treachery.
Now the ents are miffed.



Osgiliath is
Also under attack, but
This time from Mordor.

Hope is low for men.
Or protagonists will charge
For death and glory.

"Let this be the hour
When we draw swords together,"
Says Theoden, king.

Gandalf in the east,
With Rohirrim by his side!!!
Glorious sunrise!



Last March of the Ents.
Rock and stone hit Isengard.
"Release the river!"

Flip scene to Frodo,
Face to face with a Nazgul
In Osgiliath.

"I can't do this, Sam."
Sam recalls the best stories,
The ones of darkness.

What was good in those
Was the stick-to-it-iveness
Of all the good guys.



Faramir lets go,
Lets the hobbits continue,
Forsaking his life.

The victories at
Helm's Deep and Isengard were
But the beginning.

Smeagol still struggles
With Gollum, his other half.
They concur to kill.

The End (of this one).
Next year, more stories of
The War of the Ring.



----------------------

Return of the King
Coming soon!


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